As I sit here, with a coffee and one hand and a Bloody Mary in the other, I am perplexed at how my life has changed in the last six months. Every morning I still say a small prayer as I open my email, that this day will be different. That someone, somewhere out there needs my help, and that this purgatory will soon be over. But every morning since my last interview in November (which I was sooo promised a position) there has been nothing. Just a pale blue screen that only confirms my silence. I wake nearly every morning before my wife, just like old times; I make sure she has hot coffee, that the animals are fed, and on a good day I make her a small breakfast. Then she is off to work, fighting the good fight.
Then the house gets quiet, i try to watch TV but the room seems too big, so I head for the computer, my sword and the stone. But each day I pull and the blade doesn't give. Some days are better, sometimes I hear the faint crackling of rock, a position that I could fill in some...doesn't matter, it's hard not to think that the working world doesn't need me right now. No, not my family or friends, the are my true lighthouse in this dense fog. But I am talking about the working world.
I am not looking for pity, nor a handout. I never have, never will. Most people tell me that I could have claimed some disability from the VA, my wrist does hurt from time to time, but I do not...not yet. Because every time that I do I think of me standing in line for money, in front of a kid returning from hell with half an arm, and I can't bring myself do do that. Its not my nature. Its like that old saying, "I was complaining about not having shoes, till i met someone with no feet." Sorry I digressed.
Back to my day in the life. I leave my computer, my stone because my head and heart is weary. i check the time, its 9:30, I still have a lot of time. I know that Hillary will come home at 12:00 for an hour, her lunch break. We barely have any money, so I do what I can to have lunch ready for her. Its too late to go to the gym, because I need to be home by 11:30 to start preparing lunch. I might try cleaning, but I usually get halfway through before I quit. I sometimes watch a lame movie on TV that is playing for free. Often I get sucked into video games, be it on the computer, PSP, or PS2. I know these are time wasters, that I am not actually doing anything, but it feels good for my brain to wonder in some far off realm and fight my own good fight. So in the door she comes at 12pm, and for a exquisite brief hour, we pretend that we are both on lunch break and catch up on our day together. Once she is gone, I make it a point to return to the job search, she gives me just enough fuel to try once again. Sometimes this works, I find something, anything, and send in my resume. Sometimes I get out of the house, and play with the dogs, I might take them on a short road trip(can't afford to spend money on gas) and we drive around for 30 minutes and look busy. Sometimes I go to my local E.S.C. office to see them in person, as if that will help.
I have been told(by the employment security commission) that I have limited myself by working in a steady career path. WHAT THE HELL? That my resume reflect great things of a person in my field, and when that field becomes available, I will leave my present position and return to the path that as far as I know, failed me. Every position that I have achieved has had some element of luck. I had no idea about Navigation before the Navy, nor archaeology before school, nor surveying after. But they all seemed to fit my character, and I always treated them with the highest level of respect and did my best, every day. Its hard for people to understand what this is like, being unemployed, if you have never experienced it. I am not talking about scammers and lethargic people who sift on the system their whole lives. I AM NOT THEM. I didn't understand before about unemployment either. But right now there are 5 million people on unemployment in this country. That's over 16% of the population. And like most of them, I wait till 5pm when my spouse comes home so that I can live through her day.
Then the house gets quiet, i try to watch TV but the room seems too big, so I head for the computer, my sword and the stone. But each day I pull and the blade doesn't give. Some days are better, sometimes I hear the faint crackling of rock, a position that I could fill in some...doesn't matter, it's hard not to think that the working world doesn't need me right now. No, not my family or friends, the are my true lighthouse in this dense fog. But I am talking about the working world.
I am not looking for pity, nor a handout. I never have, never will. Most people tell me that I could have claimed some disability from the VA, my wrist does hurt from time to time, but I do not...not yet. Because every time that I do I think of me standing in line for money, in front of a kid returning from hell with half an arm, and I can't bring myself do do that. Its not my nature. Its like that old saying, "I was complaining about not having shoes, till i met someone with no feet." Sorry I digressed.
Back to my day in the life. I leave my computer, my stone because my head and heart is weary. i check the time, its 9:30, I still have a lot of time. I know that Hillary will come home at 12:00 for an hour, her lunch break. We barely have any money, so I do what I can to have lunch ready for her. Its too late to go to the gym, because I need to be home by 11:30 to start preparing lunch. I might try cleaning, but I usually get halfway through before I quit. I sometimes watch a lame movie on TV that is playing for free. Often I get sucked into video games, be it on the computer, PSP, or PS2. I know these are time wasters, that I am not actually doing anything, but it feels good for my brain to wonder in some far off realm and fight my own good fight. So in the door she comes at 12pm, and for a exquisite brief hour, we pretend that we are both on lunch break and catch up on our day together. Once she is gone, I make it a point to return to the job search, she gives me just enough fuel to try once again. Sometimes this works, I find something, anything, and send in my resume. Sometimes I get out of the house, and play with the dogs, I might take them on a short road trip(can't afford to spend money on gas) and we drive around for 30 minutes and look busy. Sometimes I go to my local E.S.C. office to see them in person, as if that will help.
I have been told(by the employment security commission) that I have limited myself by working in a steady career path. WHAT THE HELL? That my resume reflect great things of a person in my field, and when that field becomes available, I will leave my present position and return to the path that as far as I know, failed me. Every position that I have achieved has had some element of luck. I had no idea about Navigation before the Navy, nor archaeology before school, nor surveying after. But they all seemed to fit my character, and I always treated them with the highest level of respect and did my best, every day. Its hard for people to understand what this is like, being unemployed, if you have never experienced it. I am not talking about scammers and lethargic people who sift on the system their whole lives. I AM NOT THEM. I didn't understand before about unemployment either. But right now there are 5 million people on unemployment in this country. That's over 16% of the population. And like most of them, I wait till 5pm when my spouse comes home so that I can live through her day.
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